Mr Mom
by b7-kerravon
Summary: Spoiler Alert: 'Critical Mass' and 'Childhood's End'. Just what was Zelenka doing during the episode 'Critical Mass', and why did he look like that upon his return? COMPLETE!
1. Adventures in Babysitting

SPOILER ALERT! Spoilers for 'Critical Mass' and 'Childhood's End' 

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis, and make no profit from this story. It is for fan enjoyment only!

AN: I got to thinking about poor Radek, and what he was going through while the episode occurred…

**Mr. Mom**

By KerrAvon

Radek Zelenka was _not_ a happy man. He didn't so much walk as _stomp_ down the path towards Keras's village and its malfunctioning EM field generator. The very fact that it was malfunctioning prevented their using a Puddlejumper, so not only did they have to waste time on this child-infested rock, but they had to hike in to do it.

"Oh, Rodney thinks he's so clever. Just wait until our return from M7G 677." Zelenka muttered under his breath in Czech. "Your laundry will be pink and two sizes too small," he promised. "There will be dead seafood in your ventilation duct. Your toilet will overflow. Your coffee will be forever DECAF!"

The other three members of his team exchanged uncomfortable glances as they progressed, all inordinately grateful that they didn't understand a word the scientist was saying. The intermittent "Rodney" or "McKay" gave them a pretty good idea what their boss was upset about, and they decided _en masse_ that silence was the prudent course of action.

Zelenka didn't notice the unnatural quiet as he ruminated on his own dark thoughts. He hadn't been exaggerating to LTC Sheppard about his nephew; Kazimir was a true terror. He had visited his sister once when the boy was five, and barely escaped with his life. OK, OK, so he wasn't actually in mortal danger…

_"Radek, it's so nice you could visit!" Ivana threw her arms around him in a bear-hug that literally lifted him off his feet. Despite being nearly two years younger, she had always been taller than he. Married life had been good to her as well; always stocky, she had never lost the extra poundage she'd put on with pregnancy, so now she seriously outweighed him as well. She finally released her smothering embrace, holding him at arms length as he gasped for breath. "Let me get a look at you…" That was when they noticed that his cloak was on fire._

Then again, maybe he _had_ been mortal danger after all. By the time the week was up, half his wardrobe had been singed, melted or charred beyond recognition courtesy of the little pyromaniac that was his nephew. Most of the remainder sported new finger-painted designs which Ivana doted on as the work of a 'child prodigy' rather than 'budding vandal'. Radek's departure was laced with vague promises to return again 'soon'…_like after that kid had graduated college!_

At the time the experience was traumatic enough to make him swear off ever having children of his own; yet somehow, here he was, sent to a planet where the oldest inhabitant was 25. When he got back to Atlantis…

"Are you from the 'old people planet'?"

Zelenka's quick reflexes had prevented a number of experiments from shattering in the past; this time they kept him from accidentally trampling the munchkin who had mysteriously appeared on the path in front of him. Golden-haired, she stared up at him with wide, blue eyes that oozed innocence. Radek was not fooled; Kazimir had blue eyes as well.

Nervously shoving his glasses up with his index finger, he stared down at the moppet. "We are here from_ Atlantis_," he emphasized. "Not 'the old people planet'."

A second urchin suddenly materialized. "Same thing," the little boy shrugged. "Where's the chocolate?"

"Excuse me?" Radek was confused. No one had mentioned anything in the mission briefing about chocolate. Was this some local custom that he was unaware of? Since when was there chocolate in Pegasus, anyway?

Fortunately, Dr. Wright was somewhat quicker on the uptake. "Here, kids, I have some." The red-haired woman magically produced two gold-wrapped bars and handed one to each of the youngsters. "Now, why don't you run on ahead and let your people know we're coming."

"Thanks!" said Casta as he turned away. "But hurry up; the elders are waiting." He and Cleo fairly skipped down the path away from the group. Zelenka turned to the others, shrugged, then trudged forward to meet their fate.

Once at the village, the quartet was met by a soft-spoken young man who clearly carried responsibility on his shoulders. Flashing the new arrivals a relieved smile, he approached Radek and grasped Zelenka's hand warmly in both of his own. "Hello, I am Keras. Welcome to our village. You are the scientists from Atlantis?" His gaze took in each of their faces in turn. Apparently satisfied with what he saw, he headed for a nearby rope ladder. "Come. We will discuss how we may aid you."

_'At least he didn't call it 'the old people planet',"_ thought Radek as he glanced nervously at the tree house suspended about twenty feet above his head. "No, no, that will not be necessary. Only…" He gulped as the young man turned an open face towards him and descended. "If someone could show us the location of the machine?"

Keras nodded and smiled. "It will be as you wish." He gestured to the two youngsters lurking nearby. "Cleo, Casta. Please show our guests the path to the old city."

"Sure!" Cleo's eyes fairly danced above her grinning, chocolate-smeared mouth. "Come on!" She grasped Zelenka's hand in her small, sticky one, and dragged him forward. With a resigned and vaguely disgusted sigh, he allowed himself to be pulled, the remainder of his team following behind.

They hadn't gone fifty feet before the little girl began gabbing. "So, whatcha gonna do?"

"I am here to repair the EM shield generator."

"What's that?"

"It's the machine in the old city that keeps the Wraith from knowing that you are here."

"What's wrong with it?" The child was persistent.

"It intermittently stops working." Zelenka was trying to be patient.

"Oh." The little girl pondered that for a second. "What's 'intermittently' mean?"

Zelenka rolled his eyes and bit back the Czech curse that had sprung unbidden to his lips, choosing to remain silent in the face of a barrage of meaningless questions.

Casta meanwhile had fallen back to a position between Dr. Taylor and Dr. Schneider, and was staring unblinkingly up at the black man. Finally, Dr. Taylor couldn't stand it any longer, and snapped, "Can I _help_ you?"

Rather than being embarrassed, the tyke took the question as an invitation, and started in. "Why is your skin so dark?"

"I was born this way," he explained.

"But _why_?" whined the boy.

"Because the genome controlling my skin pigment…" he stopped at the increasingly blank look in Casta's eyes. He considered going into genetics theory, Darwinian selection, or even the molecular make-up of melanin, but he finally opted for, "Because my mother was."

"Oh." The boy pondered this as they continued to walk. "OK," he eventually conceded, satisfied. They walked a few more minutes in a companionable silence, then Casta turned his attention to Dr. Schneider. Pointing at the man's nearly-bald pate, he demanded, "What happened to your hair?"

The older man had expected the question, after hearing the query to his colleague, so he had an answer ready to impress the five-year-old. He leaned over and, in a conspiratorial whisper, replied, "It was burned off by a dragon."

The lad's eyes widened as Schneider congratulated himself on his cunning. His smug smile disappeared with the next query, however.

"What's a dragon?"

It was going to be a long trip to the old city.

-----------------------

For two hours Zelenka and his team methodically disassembled the control panel, trying to identify the problem. The electronic gremlin in the console that caused the villages to become periodically visible to scans was incredibly allusive, and frustration levels were building. The interminable questions from the youngsters didn't help matters much.

"So why is the sky blue?"

Zelenka slammed his wrench onto the console, then leaned forward, taking deep breaths in and out. "Dr. Wright, could you come here a moment?" he ground out between clenched teeth.

"Yes, Dr. Zelenka?" the red-head kept her tone calm and level.

Without meeting her matter-of-fact gaze, he quietly gritted, "You seem to have dealt with these…children…the most effectively so far. Could you _please _deal with them now?"

Wright's eyes narrowed. "Because I'm a woman?" she hissed, offended.

Radek closed his eyes in resignation; he _knew_ she'd take it wrong. "Because you were the only one clever enough to bring chocolate!" he whispered emphatically, and then added under his breath,"Besides, eating one of _them_ would probably cause an intergalactic incident..."

She straightened up, blinking in surprise. "Well, yes, I'd heard that the planet was mostly children. Seemed reasonable."

Radek's eyes turned on her in full puppy-dog mode. "I would consider it a…personal favor…if you could take them away from here for an hour or so."

"All right…but you owe me!" The woman turned towards the children, plastering on a fake smile.

"Hey kids, you look like you could use a break. What say we go play a game?" She placed an arm around each of their shoulders and began to lead them out of the cramped, vine-covered enclosure.

Taylor dropped his head in relief. "Thank God," he muttered.

Schneider nodded towards Radek. "No, I'm pretty sure you can 'Thank Zelenka'."

Zelenka flashed them the first smile to grace his face that day. "Let's get some work done, shall we?"

An hour later, after determining that the problem could only be approached through the base of the device, he lay awkwardly on his back, covered in sweat and grime, half-obscured by the console, with bits of Ancient technology strewn on the ground around him. At this rate, he'd almost have rather been working on his old Skoda…

Then he saw it; a metallic flash visible where no exposed metal should be. It took over half an hour and innumerable shocks and bruises, but he finally managed to snag the offending material with a pair of long needle-nosed pliers. Scooting out as fast as spasming back muscles would allow, he carefully carried his prize into the sunlight where he could examine it better. The two other scientists crowded around to examine what Radek had retrieved.

"That clumsy, blundering, incompetent, _gluttonous_ son of a dray-horse!" Radek cursed as he finally recognized the origin of the troublesome item.

"What is that?" asked Dr. Schneider, peering nearsightedly at the thin, irregular triangle his boss was vehemently profaning.

Spitting incoherently, Radek stood up and shoved the object at the balding scientist, then crawled back underneath to reassemble the shield generator. Schneider turned the fragment over to look at both sides, with Taylor peering anxiously over his shoulder. "This looks…familiar…"

Taylor's eyes widened. "That's part of a Power Bar wrapper!" he yelped.

Disgusted tones floated up from where Zelenka was restoring the generator. "Yes, YES…Power Bar wrapper! No doubt dropped when asinine, fatuous, clumsy pig made 'improvements' to shield. Very good; children no longer kill themselves for population control; but glorious leader cannot keep track of own trash!"

Radek's tone promised mayhem when the team returned home; to defray that, they studiously and efficiently helped him with the rebuild.

-----------------------------

"Must you leave so soon? We were going to have a celebration this evening to herald your success." Keras spread his arms in quiet supplication as a dozen or so imploring faces turned towards them. In the distance they could see others gathering together wood for a bonfire.

Radek tiredly wiped the back of his hand across his grimy forehead and exchanged exhausted glances with the rest of his team. "Look, I appreciate your hospitality," he quirked up a corner of his mouth reassuringly, "but we really need to be getting back. We've been gone for hours." His eyes narrowed, "I wouldn't want Dr. McKay to _worry."_

Cleo, hanging onto Dr. Wright's hand in supplication, screwed up her face in displeasure. "That's the _mean _man!" she exclaimed petulantly.

Radek smiled at her for the first time, then knelt until they were eye-to-eye. "Yes, he is, and we wouldn't want him to get angry with us, would we?"

Cleo and Casta both shooke their heads vehemently.

"Then we have to go now." Zelenka stood and dusted himself off. At least Rodney's next trip here wouldn't be pleasant.

The children began to make disappointed noises, but a stern look from Aries silenced them. Keras nodded once more. "Then go with our thanks. We will anxiously await your return." Handshakes were exchanged, and the team finally drug themselves towards 'The Well'.

The trip back seemed to take forever. Radek sighed in relief as the DHD came into view. Dropping his pack to the ground beside it, he rapidly entered the code for Atlantis.

"What happened?" asked Taylor. "There's no Wormhole."

Zelenka's glasses slid unheeded to the end of his nose as he glanced up in alarm. "What? No Wormhole?" He looked down at the DHD and very deliberately re-entered the address. Hitting the center button, he cursed when nothing occurred.

"May I try?" Schneider asked.

Radek threw his hands up in frustration. "Sure, why not?" He turned and began pacing, flailing his arms wildly. "It's that unspeakable, low-life, son-of-a…." He sputtered incoherently, then waggled his finger as first Schneider then Taylor failed as well. "I don't know how, but _somehow_ Rodney McKay is responsible for this!"

"Do you suppose…something might have happened to them?" Dr. Wright hazarded tentatively.

That stopped Radek mid-rant. Finger still poised in the air, his mouth opened and closed briefly like a beached fish as the new concept sunk in. He paused, considering, then shook his head negatively. "No…no…" He paused again. "Well, maybe…"

Taylor and Schneider were at his side in a heartbeat, yammering in concern. "You think the Wraith found them?" "Maybe the Genii are back?" "What if they sank?"

"Well, let's check our end first," suggested Zelenka. "Anyone know an alternate address?"

Wright spoke up, "Try M8R 433. It's a deserted but otherwise safe planet. If we can establish a wormhole, then we'll know for certain."

Taylor nodded, then dialed the address. A wormhole obligingly _ka-whooshed_ to life.

"Not on our end, then," concluded Schneider.

Zelenka rested his chin in his hand as he pondered furiously. Suddenly his eyes widened and he snapped his fingers.

"What?" asked Schneider.

"Maybe it's not _Atlantis_; maybe it's just Atlantis' _gate_!" Zelenka crowed triumphantly.

"Well, sure, but why would they take the Gate off-line?" asked Wright.

A self-satisfied smirk graced Radek's face. "Maybe it malfunctioned. Who was the last person scheduled to do maintenance?"

Taylor thought for a moment, then clapped his hand over his eyes. "Oh no. That was Kavanagh's last assignment before he shipped out on the Daedelus."

"And what are the chances he did it correctly, as he was preoccupied with getting back to Earth?" Zelenka shrugged. "Well, for the time being, there is nothing we can do except wait. We might as well do it in the relative comfort of the village."

The other three sighed in agreement, and the group shouldered their packs and trudged back _again_. Zelenka couldn't help fretting, however; as much as he wanted to believe that their problems were either due to the 'Walking Excrement' or to 'The Ego That Wouldn't Die', his mind kept running through the innumerable ways Atlantis could have been destroyed completely. If _that_ were the case, they might have to be prepared to stay a long, _long_ time.

TBC….

AN: Sorry I've been away for so long; real life, and all that…some daysmy 'real life' seems 'realer' than others…Anyway, as always, I appreciate reviews - it's nice to know that I'm not forgotten!


	2. In a Pig's Eye

SPOILER ALERT! Spoilers for 'Critical Mass' and 'Childhood's End' 

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis, and make no profit from this story. It is for fan enjoyment only!

AN: Thanks for all the kind feedback; I appreciate it!

**Mr. Mom **

By KerrAvon

"We are glad that you decided to join us, after all," welcomed Keras upon their return. It was dusk by now, and a huge bonfire had been lit in a clearing to the side of the tree structures.

"Yes, well, we didn't have much of a choice. Our home Gate is not receiving signals right now," replied Zelenka wearily. "Do you have someplace we could sleep for a night?"

"Certainly. Our homes are yours." He gestured to the tree houses above them.

Radek looked up and gulped, mild acrophobia setting in. "Do you have anything…lower?" he inquired. "You see, we're very tired…"

Aries, who had just sauntered up, answered for his chief. "Say no more. We always set up pallets on the ground near the fire on feast nights. There are those who consume too much vinum at celebrations, and are unable to climb." He gestured towards the fire. "And we always have someone on watch to protect those who sleep from wild animals."

"Wild animals?" squeaked Wright, reconsidering the climb to the tree houses.

Aries flashed her a winning grin as they headed towards the fire. "The biggest thing I've ever seen in the area was a dracarn."

Schneider gulped audibly, glancing back towards the darkening forest. "What's a 'dracarn'?" he finally managed.

Keras shot a dirty look at a now-sniggering Aries, then replied, "A rabbit-like creature about this long." He held his hands approximately 24 inches apart. "It eats herbs and vegetables, but is so afraid of people that it rarely bothers our gardens." He gestured to a row of blanket-covered straw pallets set back from the feasting area, but close enough to the fire to stay warm even as it died down. "Here we are; your belongings will be quite safe. Just pick a bed, then come over and get some food." He smiled once again and headed off to the banquet area, where the villagers were already filling trays with steaming meats and multicolored fruits.

The team let out the collective breath it had been holding, then broke into smiles themselves. "That rabbit's dynamite!" quoted Taylor to a few chuckles as they began setting their packs and equipment down on the bedding indicated. Taylor and Wright then headed over side-by-side to join the festivities, exchanging Monty Python jokes and generally enjoying themselves.

Schneider, divesting himself of his equipment, paused a moment and frowned at Zelenka who stood stock-still, pack in place, staring blankly into the distance.

Placing a hand on his boss' shoulder, he was surprised when Radek leapt almost a foot into the air, swinging his head from side to side to identify his 'attacker'. "Worrying won't help anything; you know they must be all right," he commented. "Come on; you must eat." He jerked his head towards the feast.

Radek nodded in agreement, shuttered eyes revealing none of the turmoil in his thoughts. "Yes, of course." He managed to dredge up a smile, despite his worry. "You go ahead; I'll be right there."

The heavier man appeared unconvinced. "Are you sure?" he asked, glancing over to where the festivities seemed in full swing.

Zelenka waved him away. "Yes, yes. I am just setting down my things." To demonstrate, he began slipping out of his pack. Schneider appeared hesitant, but nodded and headed towards the food. Zelenka watched him go with a creased brow, mind literally light-years, but only one Gate away.

_'What did McKay do now? I've only been away for a few hours! Can't he stay out of trouble for a single day?" _ His knapsack slid to the ground unheeded. _'I mean, he blew up an entire solar system; could he have blown up Atlantis?'_ Running a hand through his unruly hair, he sank onto the nearest makeshift bunk. _'Those Wraith cruisers were a day and a half away; they can't have gotten there that fast. Maybe a Hive ship was cloaked nearby? Could the cruisers have been a distraction?'_

He buried his face in his hands. _'No. That mentally defective, self-centered, cowardly son-of-a….It had to be Kavanagh. I should have known better than to let him do anything important. Even if it was 'only' routine maintenance.'_ Rubbing his face with both hands, he raised his gaze to stare into the distance again. _'If that's the case, then at least Atlantis is intact. Rodney should be able to repair anything given enough time. I'll just have to be patient.'_

His eyes were drawn to the sound of laughter. The villagers and his team were on the far side of the bonfire, eating from large communal platters and drinking from cups filled from a large barrel. He watched as Schneider animatedly tried to describe a dragon to the enthralled children, and his mouth quirked in amusement.

_'Waiting here might not be so bad,'_ he continued, then sighed. _'Still, I'm just not hungry.'_ He dropped his head and rubbed at the knots in the back of his neck. _'I am_ _tired, though.'_ He felt the rough texture of the blanket he was seated on, finding it surprisingly soft._ 'I'll just rest my eyes for a few minutes…'_

With that thought, he collapsed sideways onto the cover and was instantly asleep.

Some time later, Dr. Schneider realized that their leader was still absent. "Excuse me a minute," he apologized to Keras as he stood up. Catching Taylor's eye, he nodded over towards where he had left Radek and the two headed there. As they drew closer, Taylor was the first to catch sight of Zelenka, tilted sideways against the cover, snoring softly.

"Boy, that looks uncomfortable," commented Wright, as she came up behind them.

"Help me." Taylor went over and gently lifted Radek's legs until he was lying completely on the pallet, while Schneider found an extra blanket to spread over their still-slumbering colleague.

"That looks better," commented Wright as the three surveyed their handiwork. "Anybody up for more celebrating?"

Taylor and Schneider exchanged glances. "Sure, why not?" the older man replied. "That vinum's not so bad after the third or fourth glass!"

"Let's get to it, then." Wright linked an arm in the crook of each man's elbow, and the three headed back to the party.

-----------------------------

Radek slept the sleep of the just, or certainly the just tired, dreaming of the retribution he would have on his PowerBar consuming compatriot upon his return to Atlantis. After a while, the dreams wandered other realities, as dreams tend to do. Some were unsettling, while others were…nicer. He was in one of the more pleasant dreamscapes when he suddenly felt his wife's cold nose on the back of his neck.

'Not tonight, Ryba. Can't you see that I've had a hard day? I'm exhausted!' he thought to himself, too tired to even voice his objections. Maybe if he just lay still… 

The nose was insistent however, and soon a pair of wet lips joined it. _'That pig of a woman could never take a hint.' _ Radek managed to wave his hand vaguely in the direction of his amorous assailant and mumble, "Gerroufa me. Canja see I'm not ina mood?"

His complaint was met by an angry snort, followed by a low throaty growl that demanded his attention.

_'Wait a minute. I divorced Ryba eight years ago! Where am I, and who's that?' _Memory came rushing back to his sleep-addled brain, and his eyes popped open in alarm.

Careful not to move unnecessarily, Zelenka twisted his eyes to the right as far as they would go, then slowly turned his head. What met his startled gaze was a huge, tusk-snouted beast that held an uncanny resemblance to a wild boar, (or his ex-wife) but approximately twice as big. Its piggy eyes narrowed as they surveyed his now-awake visage, and the snorting became more aggressive. He could hear the party still going full-swing, and correctly concluded that the 'guard against wild beasts' hadn't been posted yet or had failed miserably.

"Nice piggy…good piggy…" he murmured in his most soothing tones as he slowly tried to inch his way away from the creature. The tusked animal wasn't buying it, however, and began blowing snot angrily out its nostrils as it stared him down. Sliding away as smoothly as possible hadn't worked, so he rapidly ran through his other options.

_'Calling for help's no good; no one will hear me unless I yell, and that'll make him charge for sure.'_ He considered going for the 9mm he could feel still strapped in his leg holster, _'And how stupid is it to fall asleep with a loaded gun!',_ even as he admitted that he was a lousy shot. Still, he might get lucky…reaching slowly down with one trembling hand, he unsnapped the holster and flipped off the weapon's safety. The swine seemed to know what was up, and growled menacingly.

_'Do pigs growl?'_ he thought somewhat hysterically. A soft breeze began to blow just then; to his credit, Radek managed not to jump when something brushed against his arm. Darting his eyes to the right, he noted one of the village's rope ladders was hanging just to the side of his pallet. _'More importantly, can they climb?'_

Slowly gathering his feet beneath himself, he took a few deep, shaky breaths, then performed a leap that would make a frog jealous. He managed to snag a rung about 6 feet up and pulled with all his might, clambering a few more rungs before wrapping his arms into the ropes up to the elbows and hanging on.

The boar, startled, remained motionless for a second, then reacted. Head down, tusks bared, he rushed the base of the ladder in unreasoning fury, missing Zelenka's trailing foot by inches but managing to wedge his neck firmly between two of the lower ladder rungs. Further infuriated by the sudden restriction to his movement, the creature began shaking his head frenziedly, then rushing from one side to the other in an attempt to free himself. The ladder swung wildly in response, nearly dislodging the scientist who still hung on for dear life.

As he pitched back and forth, Radek giddily observed that the boar, like pigs back on Earth, did not possess the ability to climb ladders. Nor did they appear to have opposable thumbs. A particularly strong jerk, however, drove any errant thoughts from his mind, as one sweat-soaked hand lost its grip, nearly pitching him to the ground. He ended up dangling almost completely upside down, mere inches above the deadly tusks.

TBC….

AN: Ooooh an evil cliffie! I couldn't resist, even in a humor fic ;-) Hope everyone is enjoying poor Radek's plight.

Just a note on some names; In Czech, 'Ryba' means 'fish', 'Kazimir' means 'the great destroyer', 'Radek' means 'glad', and 'Zelenka' means 'little innocent one'. Doesn't seem like much of a 'glad little innocent one' in this fic, does he?


	3. Celebration

SPOILER ALERT! Spoilers for 'Critical Mass' and 'Childhood's End' 

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis, and make no profit from this story. It is for fan enjoyment only!

AN: The author's note at the end of this story REALLY contains spoilers for 'Critical Mass' - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

**Mr. Mom**

By KerrAvon

With a final shake, the boar managed to free himself, rattling Radek's teeth in the process. At the same time, Zelenka's 9mm slipped from its unsecured holster, falling to the ground with a _thud_-_BOOM_. The impact caused the weapon to accidentally discharge; as fate would have it, the bullet skewered the hapless beast's heart. The boar stood for a moment with an expression of sheer astonishment on its face, then crumpled sideways, dead.

Zelenka, equally stunned but not as dead, managed to extricate himself from the ladder by unraveling his ensnared leg from the rope and dropping to the ground in an ungainly heap. Groaning, he rolled over and clambered to his feet, heading for the weapon which had just inadvertently saved his life. He nervously kept an eye on the boar, giving the carcass a wide berth as he skirted over to where the 9mm lay. As he picked up what he would forever deem his 'lucky pistol', the alarmed partygoers finally arrived on the scene. They were all 'elders' of the village, as the youngsters seemed to have been put to bed. Staring first at the dead beast, then at Radek holding his gun, Keras shook his head in amazement. Then everyone began talking at once.

"An orbay! And a full-grown male at that!"

"You are truly a mighty hunter."

"No, no. I just…" Zelenka glanced around the crowd, flustered, as he secured his weapon back in its holster.

"How did you take him by yourself?"

"I have never seen one this large before!"

"It took five of us to kill one _half_ this size, and many were injured." Several of the older boys were examining the carcass, impressed by its size and weight.

"It was an accident," Zelenka tried to explain to his unhearing admirers.

"Radek! Are you all right? We heard a gunshot!" The three scientists came puffing up, concern written all over their faces.

Zelenka was relieved to see them. He held his shaking hands out and shrugged, moving away from the group admiring the orbay. "I tried to tell them that I didn't mean to kill it, but they aren't listening."

Schneider, brows creased in concern, asked, "So what happened?"

Radek closed his eyes and shuddered at the memory. "I'd rather not describe the details; suffice to say that in trying to escape the beast, I dropped the gun and shot it."

Taylor's eyes widened. "Wow, talk about luck!"

The continuing commentary of the villagers floated behind them as they led a still-shaking Zelenka over to the feast area and sat him on a blanket near the fire.

"This will feed the village for several days…"

"Aries, you and Kal go get some rope; we'll hang it from a tree limb until daylight. We can prepare the carcass then."

Taylor noted that the Czech scientist was shaking like a leaf. Remembering that the man had fallen asleep without eating, he hastily poured a cup of vinum from the barrel and brought it over. "Here, drink this. It'll help calm your nerves."

Nodding, Zelenka took the proffered cup in both hands and brought it to his lips. He sniffed and, finding the scent of the fermented fruit juice not unpleasant, took a trial sip. He carefully rolled it around his mouth before swallowing, then grimaced at a slightly-bitter aftertaste.

Wright shrugged. "Hey, it's not a Chateau Lafite Rothschild, but it's palatable." Her face took on a stern edge. "And it _will _help calm your nerves."

Radek, glancing at all of their faces, acquiesced willingly. Closing his eyes, he held the cup to his lips and drained it dry it one go. Schneider's eyebrows tried to join his nonexistent hairline as he watched the scientist chug the potent drink. After he finished it off, Radek sighed, enjoying the feeling of warmth spreading to his toes. Opening his eyes, he held out the vessel. "Another?" he asked hesitantly.

Taylor grinned and refilled the cup. If anyone deserved to be a little tipsy tonight, it was the woebegone Czech genius and 'great hunter'.

By the time the native children returned to their guests, Radek had consumed three more glasses of vinum and was feeling happier than he had all day.

Keras approached him, both in awe and apology. "I am so sorry that you had such an unpleasant experience in our village. I have never before known of an orbay venturing into an inhabited area."

"Ish nothing," Zelenka slurred, vaguely waving a hand in Keras' direction. "Glad to be of service."

Keras smiled. "You certainly have been that. Orbay meat is difficult to obtain, and quite tasty. The men are securing the carcass now, to keep it safe from predators through the night. If you would like to take it back to Atlantis with you…"

Zelenka paled at the thought of hauling the 'orbay' back to the Gate. "No, no, no. You keep it. A present from us to you."

Keras grinned, pleased. "Then come! We must celebrate your bravery." By this time the remaining older villagers had returned from their duties, and cups had been surreptitiously refilled.

Raising his glass high, Keras said, "To our brave friend from Atlantis!"

A cheer went up, and everyone took a large gulp of the vinum.

"To his skill as a hunter!" Aries toasted. Everyone drank.

"And to his bravery!" cried another young man. Another gulp.

"To littering egomaniacs!" cried Zelenka, remembering Rodney's Power Bar wrapper. The villagers looked confused, but toasted regardless, to the amusement of Zelenka's team.

This continued for quite a while, Zelenka matching the youngsters drink for drink. He had to admit that he was a lot less shaky now, and felt warm and appreciated for the first time in months.

The remaining scientists took small sips of their vinum during the celebration, in silent agreement that if Zelenka was going to finally unwind, they were going to stay sober enough to watch out for him for the rest of the night.

A few hours later, a beautiful young lady demurely approached the blanket where Keras and Radek sat cross-legged among the other Atlanteans, exchanging stories like old friends. She knelt in front of her chief elder, holding out two liquid-filled bowls, one brown and one green.

"Of course," Keras seemed pleased. Taking the proffered objects, he turned towards the Czech. "As a great orbay-slayer, you must wear the ceremonial designations for bravery."

The other scientists exchanged concerned glances, moving subtly closer to their companion in case he needed protection.

Keras held out the two bowls in explanation. "Green and brown; the colors of the forest; the colors of the hunt." As an afterthought, he added, "The colors of life. For you to wear this paint symbolizes the honor you hold in slaying such a dangerous beast."

Zelenka sighed and dropped his head in defeat. Weir was constantly lecturing the away teams on participating with native customs to foster better relations; she would be quite disappointed should he refuse this small request. Raising his eyes again, he slurred, "Whada I do?"

"You need only remain still. Aries?" He turned to his second, who approached Zelenka and the others.

Assuming the tonality of a monk, Aries dipped his finger in the green liquid and drew a circle onto the 'hunter's' forehead. "The forest is dark, and we must hide within it."

"We must hide," chanted the other young adults. Startled, the Atlanteans looked about to find themselves surrounded by seated villagers, all staring directly at the proceedings.

"Keen eyes stare through the night," he continued, removing Radek's glasses and painting the eyelids above and below with the brown liquid.

The diminutive scientist wanted to protest that his eyesight was far from keen, especially without his glasses, but the objection stilled on his lips as the group repeated, "Keen eyes."

"Ever alert, he spies his prey." Oh, now this was too much. The blasted thing woke him from a sound sleep!

"Ever alert," intoned the others, as Aries drew large eyelash markings around the Czech's eyes. At this point Zelenka allowed the vinum to take over and he zoned out the rest of the ceremony, staring unblinkingly ahead. The other scientists, noting what they took to be his calm acceptance, made no objections as the ceremony wen on to their repair of the shield generator. By the end of the observance, they all sported at least a modicum of facepaint and straw plaited into their hair. Schneider in particular was impressed in the young people's ability to get it adhered to his scalp.

"And may happiness and good fortune shine on you all the days of your lives!" The liturgy was finally at an end, and a great cheer went up. Everyone began to clamber to their feet, shaking the 'honorees' hands and clapping them enthusiastically on the back. Only Zelenka stayed where he was, cross-legged and unmoving.

Taylor noticed first, and knelt swiftly by his side. Despite his widely open eyes, Radek's stare was vacant and unseeing.

"What's wrong with him?" hissed Wright, who settled on the other side.

Schneider joined the group, going onto his hands and knees, and putting an ear a few inches from Zelenka's slightly open mouth.

"Is he breathing?" asked Taylor in alarm. _'Great. Go to a non-industrialized village and give one of our top scientists alcohol poisoning…'_

Schneider flashed him a grin. "He's _snoring_!" he chortled.

Wright's brows drew together in confusion as she inspected his still-open eyes. "You mean he's _asleep?_" She waved a hand in front of Radek's face without a response.

Schneider stood up again. "Yep. Somewhere he must have learned to sleep with his eyes open. Talk about useful! I wish I could do that…"

"It'd sure make some of Dr. McKay's diatribes easier to sit through; at least you'd be doing something more useful than listening to his self-congratulations," Taylor grimaced. "Come on. Help me get him over to the sleeping cots."

The two men hoisted a still-slumbering Radek between them and carried him over to the sleeping area while Dr. Wright went over to say goodnight to Keras and the others on their behalf. Someone had moved Zelenka's things off the bloodied straw, then removed that bed altogether. The men settled him on another nearby and covered him with extra blankets, assuring that not only one, but _two_ guards were in place. Only after that did they settle on their own pallets and go to sleep.

---------------------------

"Zelenka. Zelenka. Hey, Radek, wake up!" The Czech genius groaned as consciousness returned. Someone appeared to be using a jackhammer on his skull, so hard that even his teeth ached. He gradually became aware of an enthusiastic hand shaking his shoulder, which was not improving the situation.

"_Please!_ Stop that! And not so loud," he rasped hoarsely, hands flying up to keep his head from falling off as he slowly levered himself into a sitting position. He hadn't felt like this since he'd drunk those two Russian lacquer-box salesmen under the table back in '92… He covered his face with his hands to keep out the light, while resting his head on his drawn-up knees

"But we have great news." Taylor dropped his tone of voice to a calm whisper; he'd had too many hangovers of his own over the years. "Shortly after breakfast this morning, we got a transmission from Atlantis. They had a bit of a scare with a bomb or something, but everything's been cleared up now."

"We can go home!" exclaimed Wright enthusiastically, forgetting Zelenka's headache until a groan issued from the vicinity of the miserable man. "Oops, sorry," she whispered belatedly.

He blearily pried one eye open to glare at the redhead, but stopped short when he saw the dabs of facepaint and the braided straw that adorned her hair. "You might want to…clean up…before we go back," he suggested, gesturing to her face.

She snorted in an unladylike fashion. "_You_ should talk."

"What do you mean?" Radek remembered very little after refusing to take the dead animal home as a trophy.

As a reply, Wright shot Taylor a grin, then produced a hand-mirror out of her LBE. "See for yourself."

Opening the other eye as well, the Czech took the mirror with a degree of trepidation. Rightfully so, it turned out. He could barely recognize himself in the glass. Turning his head from one side to the other, he decided that he looked like a stoned hippie playing cowboy-and-indian dress-up. Throw in another part Australian aborigine, and you covered the appearance of his hair, as well.

"Oh no. McKay will have a field day with this," he groaned. "We'll have to wash up before we go back."

Schneider suddenly appeared, chewing enthusiastically on what appeared to be a turkey leg. Zelenka ruthlessly suppressed the bile that rose in his gorge at the thought of eating _anything_, much less something that…heavy. Instead he tried to concentrate on what the man was saying.

"So you see, we can't remove this stuff until we get back to Atlantis."

Radek almost shook his head, then thought better of the action. "What? I missed that. _Why_ do we have to return looking like the rejects from an Avon party?"

"Because wearing this," Wright gestured to her face and hair, "Is a symbol of honor, bestowed by the kids. If they see us without it, they might be offended. Better to play it safe, and wait until we're back home.

Zelenka was too tired and achy to argue. "Fine, fine. Let's just say our good-byes and go." He staggered to his feet, holding his head carefully still.

Taylor handed him his backpack. "Already done. They wished us a safe journey when we were at breakfast. We didn't think you'd be wanting any food, but I could get you some…"

Radek quelled another bout of nausea as he waved his hands. "No, no, you were correct. I do not believe I could manage much more than water right now."

Schneider handed him a canteen as he shouldered his own pack. "We've got plenty of that. When we get back, you might want to see Beckett. I'll lay odds that he has something to help both your head and your stomach."

Zelenka managed to get down a couple of mouthfuls of water before handing it back. Carefully he nodded. "I will do that, thank you. The fresh air on the way to the Gate might help as well." So saying, the group headed off on the now-familiar path to 'The Well'.

The trip took longer this time, as they had to take frequent breaks. Zelenka was quite dehydrated from the night before, and was easily tired. At each stop however, one of the group made certain that he drank some water, and, once she was certain that he wouldn't throw them up, Wright managed to produce a couple of aspirins. By the time they arrived at the Gate, the Czech scientist actually felt halfway human.

As Schneider dialed their address and relayed the signal, Zelenka ruminated on the previous day and a half. All-in-all, the entire experience hinged on a piece of litter that Rodney had dropped into the field generator. Then, to compound matters, _he _was the one who had ordered Zelenka to clean up _his _mess. When he was feeling up to it, Zelenka would make certain Rodney knew just what he thought about _that_.

Taylor, noting the grim expression on Radek's face, asked, "Is something wrong?"

Zelenka's eyes narrowed, promising mayhem. "Rodney McKay had best not say a _word_ to me today," he hissed vehemently.

The other scientist quirked the corner of his mouth and nodded. "Not if he has an ounce of common sense."

Wright, just about to enter the wormhole, turned back to her trailing companions. "He's not known for his common sense. Brilliance, maybe, but not common sense." Then she was gone.

Radek, in an angry burst of energy, strode towards the Gate. 'Let's just go home and forget this ever happened."

Taylor shrugged wordlessly and followed his leader up the steps. Schneider and Wright had already gone through, and he paused as Radek entered the event horizon. Alone now, the black scientist glanced back in the direction of the village and grinned. "'_Forget this ever happened'_? Not on your life!" Whistling cheerfully, he walked into the wormhole himself. _'Or, more accurately, 'In a pig's eye'…'_ he thought as the Gate whisked him home.

The End

AN: SPOILERS AHEAD………………………………………

I counted up the time that seemed to elapse in 'Critical Mass', and it seemed to be somewhere between thirty-six and 48 hours (the Wraith ships were a day-and-a-half out when Zelenka et al left, and most of the action/conflict seemed to occur within an hour or two of the ships' arrival), so I figured that they were on the planet about that length of time. Also, when Zelenka comes down the hall towards Rodney, in the background you see three other people with similar face-paint and straw-plaited hair, albeit not to the degree of Radek's. One was a red-head woman (at least on my TV, she looked red-headed), one was a black man (I think it was a man - it's sometimes hard to tell in those outfits with just a brief glimpse), and the third was a balding middle-aged man. Hence, my characters of Wright, Taylor, and Schneider. Hope you liked them. I forsee a lot of 'pig' jokes in Radek's future...

Don't forget to check out my other stories if you liked this one!


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